The Sincerely GC’s Journey: Self Love Allowed me to get Rid of Depression
Healing depression through self love? Is that even possible?
For some, great difficulties arise when it comes to accepting, embracing, or loving their own imperfections. Let us not run away from our flaws, but learn how to cherish our authenticity.
A couple of years ago, my life was violently spinning out of control. As the sun tried to peek through my opaque curtains covering the fogged windows, my frigid body would lie lifelessly in bed. My eyelids, equating to the rough scales of a reptile, repeatedly rubbed against my glassy eyes, as tears of gasoline rolled down my flesh. As I slowly gasp for air, the heavy thick dark vapor painfully flowed into my lungs, enclosing my tiny airways. Each heart beat felt as if a sharp spiked bullet pierced through my soul.
Dragging myself to the bathroom, gazing in to the mirror, I saw a lonely, fearful, insecure, overweight individual with zero confidence.
Continuously failing to search for a solution that would quickly vanish the torment lurking through my psyche, I screamed angrily because it was too much for me to bear. Being born to strict religious set of parents with high expectations, I had a difficult time trying to balance my intense science courses and many organizations (I was in college at the time) where people were rooting to see me fail. And to add to this shit (excuse my language lol), I was severely sick at that time !
I allowed the negativity to consume over my energy.
There was only one person that I expected to come to rescue and save me. My boyfriend at the time… (let’s call him Larry lol)
During that era, my personality was very introverted because I was so good at hiding my emotions to the world. I thought Larry had to be my only escape from the vitriolic reality that I was combating with.
The utterance of every word that departed from my mouth trying to express how I internally felt dissipated into thin air. My boyfriend looked right through me as if I was transparent. He then gazed away and blurted out that he was tired of me complaining. (Keep in mind expressing my feelings to Larry was not all that common. I would only do bits and pieces at that time. It was just at that moment, I was holding so much of my emotions captive, it felt like I was about to burst !)
HUH?! I was completely baffled… Raised to believe that if you show emotions you are considered to be weak. I did not want to be impassive with Larry so I tried to break the chain where my feelings were imprisoned. I loved him and wanted so bad for our souls to intertwine. When we first met, he broke through to me promising that I would always be safe and would not have to be afraid to be vulnerable. So I was convinced…
Depression is no joke. The consciousness of life was slipping through the cracks of hell.
My relationship with Larry was intoxicated. The more I made an effort to amend things, the more distant he became by spending more time with his friends and purposely shutting me out. When we became intimate, it was primarily a short-lived physical event where emotions were checked out the door, feeling like I was having sex with a complete stranger…I had put on a couple of pounds, but he saw this as a big issue constantly pleading with me to do something about it. (NOW YOU KNOW HOW WE FEMALES FEEL WHEN SOMEONE NEGATIVELY COMMENTS ABOUT OUR WEIGHT lol)
It was 4 in the morning, and Larry’s phone indicated that he received a text message. Trust me when I say that a female’s intuition is almost always right. Typed in the pass code that he thought I did not know (DUMMY LOL) while he was asleep and lo and behold that’s how I found out Larry was cheating…
OH I WAS FUCKING LIVID!
I couldn’t comprehend what the universe was trying to show me. I BECAME VICIOUS and wanted him to feel the poison of my shattered heart by attacking Larry with bloodthirsty words that I knew would cause pain for revenge and hooking up with someone else.
Wait…. What the fuck am I doing ? This wasn’t me. It is NOT in my character to purposely try to crumble a life in palm of my bare hands. My depression made myself completely lost in the suffering and agony .
Finally, I woke up one day and realized I DESERVED BETTER.
Let me tell you something!! To every single one of you reading this OWN WHO YOU ARE! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, HANDSOME (for my fellas reading lol), UNIQUE, INTELLIGENT, AND PERFECT just the way you are and no one can ever take that away from you!!!! “Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along”. I believe that YOU WILL build that strong confidence and allow room for harmony to feed into your soul.
I began to search for guidance. With the help of a therapist, mediation, exercise, practicing gratitude, living in the present moment, loving unconditionally, and understanding that my thoughts created my own reality, I began to feel wholesome.
Everyday, I now wake up with joy!! As a happily pounce to the mirror each morning, I see a high self-esteem, serene, attractive, curvy woman and quite frankly I think I have a fat ass. 😉
In comparison to the past, where I am today was definitely not an easy voyage; however, I realized only I HAVE the ability to CHOOSE LOVE over fear, to CHOOSE HAPPINESS over pain, to CHOOSE CONFIDENCE over doubt. “Life isn’t a fair fight, but you don’t cry a river and drown in it or bury yourself under attitude and bitterness. Focus on what life is teaching you, not what it’s taking away from you. Dare to be in a state of constant improvement not endless blaming”. THIS IS YOUR SIGN!! Start the passage to increase your self love and positive vibrations.
“Learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you”.
Remember Larry lol? In order to completely move on from the pain I felt, I had to honestly forgive him. Because of my depression, the idea of having Larry around was like a recreational drug and I that was addicted. I was addicted to the high of someone loving me in fear to be standing alone against the cruel word. Larry could NOT fix my problems that I was facing. ONLY I CAN! Larry could NOT fully remove the negative thoughts that consumed my soul. ONLY I CAN! Larry could NOT choose happiness for myself. ONLY I CAN!
With hard work and dedication, I knew I was determined to find my bliss. But guess what, IT WAS ALREADY THERE! It was concealed with darkness and all I had to do was shed light.
So how did I get rid of depression? Self love! Who are you? What are the things that make you smile? It is true when they say you have to love thyself first before another. I learned how to accept myself as I am. Cracking jokes, dancing, relaxing on the beach with a big ass sangria; there were so many things I did not know about myself and so many things I had not explored.
Before, I did not live, I simply just existed.
Present day, my soul is bursting with ecstasy. I am my own best friend and I love myself. Loosen up a little and enjoy life. Try to make it your priority every day to do an activity that excites you. Know your worth and distance yourself from people who bring negative energy in your aura. Make it your mission to find inner peace. Create changes in your life that will positively impact you. Remember only you can control the outcome of your future. Plant a seed of positive thoughts and emotions; expect a beautiful blossom to grow 🙂
If nobody has never told you this, today I want to come and let you know that I LOVE YOU with all of my being and spirit. I believe in you that YOU WILL get through the heartache, pain, and misery. YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE WANTED , YOU WILL NEVER BE A FAILURE. Hold your head up high and carry yourself like a KING OR A QUEEN that you are.
“You never really see how toxic someone or something is until you breathe that fresh air” So take a deep breath in. Excuse your bad days and embrace your imperfections. Feed your soul positive affirmations that help you feel compassion and love within your soul.
At the end of the day, I still have love for Larry. That time you confused a lesson for a soulmate….UH YEAHH LOL… Instead of pain, I viewed everything as a lesson. What does this lesson teach you? I hold no grudges. This content was not intended to bash him. We BOTH internally damaged one another and were just two people who simply not compatible with each other; both holding on to something that was not there. I had to do what was best for me. I invite you to sail this journey with me to unlock the key of self love and righteousness.
What are the things you struggle? How will you increase yourself love today? Please share your thoughts 🙂
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