This week I originally intended to write about the word “fluffy” and why I feel so empowered by it and blah, blah, blah…. But… grabs tissue box emotionally, I’ve been on a downward spiral. I think writing this post will be the best remedy for my troubles.
I am a sucker for romance. I LOVE love.
I spend a lot of time scrolling through my Facebook and Instagram timeline idolizing pictures of my peers’ “Oh So Happy!!!” love life, while screaming #RelationshipGoals in my head as I hit every like button. Finding THE ONE has always been a big deal to me… It lands right up there with a good plate of food and finding the right shapewear (the keys to life). Unfortunately, I have not been successful in the romance department. My love life, thus far, makes eHarmony and Tinder look pretty appealing. My love life makes arranged marriages look like a not so bad idea. My love life…. is a HOT ASS MESS!
And as much as I love Ben and Jerry, I’m a little tired of them and I want the right HIM.
Now fluffs, the reason I’m writing this is because I don’t want you to be that girl. Who you may ask? The girl that I’ve been for the past year. The “fall asleep on a wet pillowcase, #ForeverAlone, Sade singing, back pedals to the EX while pushing away the next, being referred to as ‘cold hearted’ on all your first dates” girl. I wasn’t lying when I said I still have issues. heavy sigh But I know where I took the wrong turn. I want to redirect you before you find yourself lost like me. Ain’t no Google Maps for this one. And if you’re already that girl, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Let’s find our way back to LOVE together. Team work makes the dream work!
I’ve realized that my poor choices in men have stemmed from me not loving myself (…along with Daddy issues, but that’s another topic). I don’t want to place the blame on the #BBWStruggle, but my lack of confidence and self-esteem growing up came from my size. I was not the girl being asked to the school dance or the girl that the athletes were drooling over. To be honest, I never thought that I would ever find someone interested in me. I always felt like I was too big to be loved and that carried on into my adulthood. That thought process resulted in me falling in “love” with anyone that would show me ANY type of attention because I never thought I would find a man who would want to “love” me. Whenever I hopped into a relationship I would bend over backwards to please my partner because they “loved” all 200 & something lbs of me and I always feared that I would never meet anyone else who would put up with ALL OF THIS. I dealt with the canceled Valentine’s Day dinners, the messages from other women, and the horrible sex because that is what I thought I deserved. I had to go through my worst heartbreak to realize that I am worth so much more.
I fantasize about this perfect relationship with this perfect guy (chocolate brotha, foodie, 6’4, bearded, musician & teacher), but I can’t expect to experience ALL OF THAT if I can not even have a healthy relationship with myself. Fluffs, it is necessary that we love ourselves! Know that every inch of you is deserving of a love so deep that you need to wear a life jacket. Kisses that taste like spiced rum and a touch that’s as hot as the sun… Please don’t make me pull out my poetry book. We set the standards for the love we receive. The love that we have for ourselves will be reciprocated by the right person times 1,000,000. Never settle. Never deal with bullshit because you feel like you will have no other option. We should be so happy and in love with ourselves, that making a decision between being single and staying in a horrible relationship is a NO BRAINER. You will never find “love” until you love you. The love that we seek we need to continuously pour into ourselves. We try to find “love” in other people, totally forgetting that the LOVE we want is right here. points to self And it’s never going anywhere… even when your partner walks away that LOVE will still be intact. WE GOTSTA DO BETTA, LADIES!!!
Well I’ll speak for myself… I GOTSTA DO BETTA!!
P.S. There is nothing wrong with online dating and arranged marriages…
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